She’s a killer – extract

If there was one thing Cecilia hated more than life itself, it was a liar. She hated liars, all different kinds of liars. Twisting truths, hurting others to feed their own egos just the thought, disgusted Cecilia to her core.

28th October 2017 was a night that she’d never forget. The cold autumn breeze rushing through her long curly hair, leaves scattered on the pavements. This was her favourite time of year. The only time when being spooky was universally okay. There was just something about carving pumpkins and drinking her latte with an extra dash of cinnamon, eating hot apple pies with a scoop of ice cream while watching the days slowly get shorter. This was the time of year Cecilia believed all things were possible.

Magical. That day was magical. They say love finds you when you least expect it, it surprises you. Cecilia can confirm that is very true. It was a chance encounter two blocks away from her favourite coffee shop. He wasn’t paying too much attention to his surroundings while he seemed to be having an argument on his phone. She was too occupied by the music playing through her headphones, eyes closed bobbing her head to the rhythm without a care in the world. In a fraction of a second, these two strangers collide.

Collided in a way that now their fates were intertwined. It was reckless yet so perfect, so rushed but still so slow. They were missing pieces to each other’s souls. Jamie was the answer to all of Cecilia’s prayers, he was perfection. He bought her flowers and showered her in gifts. He made time for her, he took her out and sometimes they just stayed in. He knew all her secrets she had let him in. He would make her laugh so hard that her jaw hurt from smiling. He was her rock when the waters were rough, her light in darkness he kept her warm through it all.

632 days of perfection. On day 633 Cecilia made her way to his house she was going to surprise him, no need to call ahead. A bag full of groceries for their date night meal she walked up the steps. She unlocked the door and headed straight to the kitchen. She was excited and knew that Jamie won’t be home for another hour. She sets everything down and starts to prep the vegetables and meat. 45 minutes later she is all done; he’ll be back soon so now it’s time to freshen up.

She heads to the stairs and stops to see something unusual, a trail of clothing just laying on the floor. Confused and startled she grabs a knife from the kitchen. Cecilia doesn’t take risks when it comes to her life or the lives of her loved one. She slowly makes her way up the stairs and paces herself at the landing. She scans the area to distinguish any anomalies. The door, Jamie’s door is ajar while the rest are wide open. She takes a few deep breaths in to calm her heart she tiptoes to his room.

Red, a burning fire filled with rage, full of compulsion. She lost all control, she was blinded that through all the commotion the begging, the cries not once did she stop. Blood so much blood, the sheets were filled with blood. Jamie and his lover lay there still covered in sin, motionless, horror painted all over their faces. She walked back to the kitchen and washed the knife clean. She sat down at the table and poured herself some food. Cecilia looked over to the empty plate by her side and laughed to herself. He would be enjoying this delicious dinner too if he hadn’t lied.

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That one night (male pov)

Watching clouds until the sky is littered in stars, her hand in mine fingers interlocked, our hearts beating in sync. I knew we were thinking the same – wishing that this summer could last forever. That when the sunrises we wouldn’t have to say goodbye.

Erisah Adams was a breath of fresh air that you didn’t know you needed. Chaotic in all the right ways everything that I am not. Her spirit so free and intoxicating, she could reel you in with just one look. She is magical. How could one not be enamoured by her beauty?

I turned to face her, drinking in every ounce of her perfection. Her hand caressing mine as she speaks about her love of the night sky. How this is exactly where she would want to spend her forever. With me, watching stars on the sandy shores. Our bodies close but not close enough. I think…no I know this is love.

Six weeks that is all it took for her to somehow weasel her way into my heart and now I wasn’t sure I could let go. How was I supposed to go back to normal when all I craved was her. How was I supposed to function when my mind was only on her. Even in her presence, I needed to know her more. To memorise the way her eyes light up when she talks and boy can she talk so passionately just about anything it’s like she cares a little too much, she feels a little too much. How she laughs at the silliest of things, the sound warms my heart. I need to feel her touch so it is engraved into my skin. Her lips on mine so soft, so sweet her taste lingers in my mouth. She is my favourite flavour.

I knew I was in for an adventure when I packed my bag that’s exactly what I had hoped for but a whirlwind romance never could I have imagined, not even in my wildest dreams.

2am thoughts

Nights like these are reckless. Nights like these are not for the faint-hearted. They are tainted in the blood of your demons. The silence is eerie and the darkness is consuming. Your heart rate is racing, faster, faster, faster. You’re no longer tossing and turning trying to find comfort in your bed. The place where you lay to find peace, to find solace, your safe haven. Anywhere, you’d rather be anywhere but there.

You jolt out of bed scrambling in the darkness to find your phone. The very thing you that you spend each waking moment with, clutching to it as though it is your lifeline. The very thing you lock away after 11 pm so that you actually close your eyes instead of mindlessly scrolling torturing your fickle soul into the wee hours of the night.

Finally, you look down at the screen to see it’s 2 am. Only 2 am on a Sunday night. You walk towards your wardrobe and pull out the first pair of joggers you can find, grab a jacket and put on some shoes. You most likely look like you dressed yourself in the dark but that is exactly what you’ve done.

Slowly you tiptoe down your stairs carefully making sure the old wood doesn’t creak loud enough to wake the others. The softer your step funnily enough the louder the creak. You see the door and you’re out. Out in the fresh air, out in the open. The dimly lit street so quiet, so serene almost suddenly you feel at peace and you know exactly where you need to be.

Running, you’re running as fast as your legs can carry. The cold air grazing your skin. The cooling sensation making you feel more alive than you have in a very long time. You stop for a moment to catch your breath, you close your eyes – inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale… A few more steps that’s all it will take and you’re finally there.

Your home away from home, shining under the moonlight.

“Can you see me?”

You know that feeling, that delirious feeling of being in and out of consciousness. Watching as the world passes you by yet you’re frozen in a state of denial. A blur, a tangent feeling, circles, running; your mind buzzing. That is how I function most days.

I have places to be, people to meet. I pick up the pace and start to walk faster, faster my feet move a little faster

*ring ring*

I quickly check my phone. It’s Matteo again. I contemplate whether I should answer. I’m only a few moments away.

“Hello, I’m just around the corner. I won’t be long”

Nothing. I hear nothing.

“Hello!”

I can’t even hear him breathing.

“Matteo! If this is some kind of joke I’m going to kill you”

Still nothing.

“Fine, have it your way I can see you now anyway I’ll be there in a second.”

I run up to the boy with bright brown eyes, he’s smiling in the way your whole body reacts to joy. Nose crinkled, eyes barely open, dimple kinda smile – he keeps me sane, my Matteo. I’m going to marry him one day. I’ll be the perfect wife, have a few kids, fall in love with how imperfectly perfect we are for each other. This is the man I want till my dying breath.

Arms open I go to embrace my love. I feel his body next to mine – I feel at home so close to his chest hearing his heartbeat it’s my favourite sound. But why isn’t he holding me, why aren’t his arms around my waist pulling me closer, why is he standing still? I look up at my love. He isn’t smiling anymore. His brows furrowed in confusion.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” I’m starting to worry now too.

He doesn’t answer me, it’s like he doesn’t’ see me like I’m not there at all.

“Matteo, baby why aren’t you answering me? Did I do something wrong?”

He’s staring right at me, worry written all over his face. His eyes darkening, his lips pursing the way he does when he’s mad. I move back a little and he pulls out his phone.

He’s dialling a number, his eyes wondering. Why is he acting like this, so strange and out of character?

My phone starts to ring.

*ring ring*

Before I can say anything. He walks right through me.

Better off alone

I always say I am better off alone. It’s not because I want to be alone.
It’s just, may be one day I’ll let someone in just enough and they’ll steal my heart. I’ll fall helplessly in love and realise all I ever wanted in this life was to feel loved, to be in love. I’ll crave it, I’ll need it, I’ll want to feel it more than life itself and then one day it will all come crashing, burning down. I don’t know if my heart can take that especially seeing as I am known as the broken girl. So I rather wear some bubble wrap around my fragile self then to open up and let you love me. I’m not scared of being alone I’m scared of needing you, scared of falling so deeply and not being able to live without your love.

Forever

These scars are forever, moments carved into my skin
Memories that I will never treasure.
Daily reminders of my screw-ups,
My downfalls, my pain.
My lack of self-control.
They haunt, they taunt me.
They make me feel ashamed.
I wish they’d disappear.
But they now are a part me
A part of me I can’t let go
A part of me here to stay forever.
A part of me I will always regret.

Scars

my scars remind me of you.
the ones I carved into my skin.
I hate that you are still apart me.
because I allowed you to consume me.
sometimes I want to cover them up.
other times I think these are my battle wounds.
it’s a constant struggle because these are daily reminders.
of memories, bad memories engraved into my skin.

Bubble Wrapped Home

I was always a sheltered child who grew up in a bubble wrapped home.
The big bad world wasn’t supposed to be my oyster.
I wasn’t supposed to venture out to try and find my pearl.

I was a curious child, unconventional in every way.
I wasn’t what my parents raised.
I asked too many questions, I wanted to do things my way.
I craved adventure, I wanted to make mistakes.
I felt suffocated, I hated the bubble wrap that was supposed to keep me safe.

I was always in limbo fighting with my right and wrong,
your right and wrong, your way versus mine.
It was an ongoing battle and we were losing track.
I tried not to hurt you so I hurt me instead.
I tried to give you what you wanted but nothing ever changed.
The bubble wrap was just wound around tighter.

I’m tired of playing the devil’s advocate. I’m tired of fighting for each breath.
I’m tired of being angry, sad and always feeling defeated.
My life is mine.
Not yours, mine.
What I do for me because I see fit is not a crime.
I need you to understand that I love you.
I will always love you.
But we need to let go.
We need to set each other free.
Because I just need to let me, be happy.